Friday, December 23, 2005
After having a mind-breaking dilemma, comes out with a solution. I plead ma dad to understand ma situation. Promising that i'll call him to know what is d outcome from his call to Mr. Rajan. Trying ma best not to let him down. But, in d end, im d one who feels so guilty. It tores me apart to leave ma dad alone at home. Looking in his eyes that he was lonely, he was sad, he was depressed. Just can't bear to stand in front of him any longer, i shake his hand, outta ma house in tears. I felt as though im being veri cruel to him. What he only wants is someone to accompany him, to talk to him, to entertain him. Ma mom and bro is busy working. While me, being very emotionally, trying ma best to make him happy. But, everytime i just feel that i failed to accomplished that. Haiz~...
Aniwez, at last, i met khai. We went to ECP. I enjoyed maself there. We played with d sea water. Get ourselves drenched in d rain. But, somehow or rather, in that excitement, i never forget ma dad. I keep to ma promise. I called him up to know how does d call goes. Mr. Rajan actually asked him to go to Parklane Mall, at Selegie, tomorrow by 3.30pm. So, hearing ma dad's voice with d news comes along, im totally relieved. I promised him that i'll b accompanying him tomorrow. Just to make-up today. Just dun dare to let him down again.
So, at ECP, we planned to study server management module. But, ended, we study how to take pictures. Hehehehe... Here's some of d pictures that we took.
[Klik on the picture below and follow the link. It will bring you to ma photo album. To view ma the pictures, you can just simply klik view pictures button and then klik on slideshow.]
Yeah. End of slide show. To khai, tanx for every joy that we had. Tanx for being there weneva i need you. Hope we'll have more of it in d future! Luv u soooo much!! *muackx* (^^,)
That's all bout it. Guess im stopping here for now.
>><< (,") Im 0uTTa here. Nytey Nytez. (",) >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 1:14 AM |
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Right now, im waiting for khai's call. She'll b calling me to inform me that shez at Far East. Then from there, i'll estimate bout what time i'll go out from ma house.
While waiting, im actually in dilemma. Just now, while i was getting maself ready, he enters ma room and he asked me to wait till 11.30, then go out. He ask me to wait for d outcome after he makes d call to d counsellor, Mr. Rajan, that he met yesterday. Then i was wondering, im going to ECP. And khai was on her way to Toa Payoh's interchange. She'll b reaching by 10.30. I can't possibly last minute ask her to walk around Toa Payoh Central right. Furthermore, ma dad ask me if Mr. Rajan ask ma dad to come down to his office, then how?.. I was like in confusion state. Why ma dad tells me this in last minute. Again, i can't possibly call up khai, who is on her way, tell her that im not going to ECP. If i put maself in her shoes, how will i feel?!
But, on d other hand, seeing ma dad in that situation, alone, lonely, half begging; just makes me feels so guilty. Im totally in dilemma. I dunno what should i do. When i told him that i've already make plans with khai, he said that i put ma friends as d first priority. I dun care bout him, yada2.. Errgghhh!!!!!... Why this had always happen to me. Why must this always happen in d veri last minute?!!! I just HATE MASELF!!!!
Btw, to him. Im sorry that im keeping quiet. Sorry that i dun reply to his message. Actually, im stressed up with this issue. Kinda small matter though. But, to take care of ma dad's and friends' hearts are not easy. Just trying to find d best solution outta this. Aniwez, to him, take care in what ever his doing and where ever he is....
>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! (".) >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:07 AM |
Just reached home from fetching ma br0 from werk. Feels so tired. Haiz~~... Before updating ma blog, had a small discussion with ma fam in ma parents room. During that discussion, ma dad pointed out bout ma weekness in ma driving. Hmmmnn..... But, aniwez, accept all d criticism. Take it as ma guidance in d future. To them, tanx for willing to point out ma weekness. Tanx for all d advices and d concern they have towards me.
Btw, tomorrow will b mitting khai. Plan to study at ECP. Long time haven visit that place. Hehee.. Tomorrow we'll b studying for our server management module. Heard from khai that we have to read bout 5 to 6 chaps from d textbook for our mst. Haiz~~... What a luck! Aniwez, can't wait till tomorrow.
Then, just finished chatting with him. Oh ya!.. Mayb he'll b reading ma blog by now. To him, happy reading. Sorry if ma entry is veri lengthy and veri boring and im veri sori if any of ma entry, ur disagree to it. Im sorry. :s
Ok den. I think today is ma shortest entry. Have to stop here for now. Tomorrow have to wake up early. Nytey Nytez.
>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! (",) >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 1:22 AM |
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Just finish completing ma Server assignment. Been redoing it for bout 3 to 4 times. Its due to d timing. It gives 90 mins to finish up all d lab exercises. Luckily in d end i manage to complete all of it within d duration given. But, there is some parts that i dun get what d instructions asks. Hmmmnn...
Aniwez, while doing ma server lab, chat with khai at msn & chat with him on d phn. One thing that really distracts me till now is bout something that khai dream of. Before i went for ma dinner, khai told me that she had this dream bout her scolding me and it has something to do with him. Im veri curious. I just can't put aside what actually happened in that dream. Khai only told me that "you noe what you will get but its different from wht u want it to be...". I was thinking so hard what those it means behind it. It sounds veri negative.
Sometimes, i just wonder. Where does ma friendship with him leads to. However, for now, i know that i treat him as ma normal friend. Reminding maself that we are just normal friends. But, however, in one way or another, he is still special. Can't define what does "special" means to me. Mayb its just simply he is ma closest friend or mayb, its more than that. Im not sure bout that. What i only sure of right now, i managed to treat him as ma normal friend. Im not sure if in d future, i'll treat him differently. That one i leave to fate. I just dun wanna risk again ma heart. Although, deep inside, i know that, there is still a tiny-miny hope. I'll just accept what has been stated whats for me and whats not for me. Sometimes, i wished that i can fast forward d time, so that i can see what happen next. Just wanna know d ending of this prob. Sometimes, wonder whether what i did is right or whether its d best solution that i made. Haiz~~... Only HE knows.
Just now had a chat with him. Sometimes, if i only can record whats happening right now, i would b veri glad. Just wanna record ma happinest moment when he was around. To keep these memories alive when he is not around animore or leaving me again. Its undescribeable in words on how i treasure this moments. Only ma Almighty knows it....
However, i dunno whether did he changed in his character while we lost contact. But, so far, he still d same. Only, some of it, just feel that he is different. But, i realise that, people change as days goes by. Changes makes us b a better person. Changes teach us bout choices in life. Changes too can teach us to b responsible and mature in making decisions in d future. I dun deny that he one different of a kind. So far ive been making new friends, none can replaced his place. Yeah!.. Every individual in this world has different characteristic. But, mayb i admire his character and his character is hard to find in this modern world. But, still, he still have d negative points. Thats normal. NO ONE is EVER PERFECT!! Its just that if he willing to change, he can b someone better. I think thats what life is. Learning from d mistakes that we did. Change it for us to b a better person in d future.
Today, chat with him bout lotsa stuff. But, one thing that im veri worried bout him. Its bout his health, his time management and bout what he needs and what he wants. He has been working so hard. Having 2 jobs while he is still skooling. One in d early morning. Another in d late afternoon. Just can't imagine how he keep up with his studies. Obviously his VERI hardworking. But, he have to realise that his body too needs rest. Just dun understand what he realli wants. Yeah. He told me that he wanna have a betta life ahead. And on d other hand, he is planning to buy something that he wants. To me, i dun mind if he wants to upgrade his bike or car. BUT! If it doesn't burden him with financial probs. Its not easy to have all those luxury at his age where he support himself to buy those stuff. He can have all those when he is in stable job. Then, at that time, if he wants to buy an aeroplane, i dun care. But, for now, whats important is his studies. I think his parents will b veri proud if their son managed to enter U although he is from ITE.
He is someone who has lots of dreams. But, i wonder, if he can fulfill all of his dreams. But, to me, whats most importantly to fulfill d dreams of our parents first while they are still here with us. As for ma case, i still remember that, when ma dad in coma's condition, i asked HIM to give ma dad a chance to see me holding a diploma or a degree in ma hands. The feeling is different. Feels like i accompalished ma major task successfully when im able to do that. Just to see them happy, will make ma life flows smoothly. So, thats only from ma point of view. I dunno bout other people's view. Haiz~~...
Hmmnn... Just now khai mention bout watching movies. I would love too. Hehehee... I LOVE movies!!! But, since ma family probs arises, ive tried ma best to help whatever that i can. But, mayb i can consider bout it too. Eating d nachos. Hmmmnnnnn.... Yummy!!!... I think if i wanna catch a movie, im thinking of watching Saw. From d preview, looks nice. Well.. See how it goes lata. I think i'll plan with khai one day. Hee...
Actually, im kinda waiting for his reply. But, i guess hes asleep already. However, i think im going to bed too. Tomorrow, will b d driver. Will b going to Jamiyah at Geylang. Then, have no plans yet. Depends on ma dad. Before i end ma entry, just wanna share this poem that i've posted in ma friendster blog. It was ma last entry there. Just loves d poem.
Hee.. Happie reading d poem. I stop here for now. Nytez.
>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! (^^,) >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 12:33 AM |
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Today have been slacking at ma home. Doing ma e-learning assignments. Hmmnn.... Mostly, ma INet, PFP and IProg quiz had done. Left with ma Digital System, Server Management, Maths and IProg.
Actually, just wake up. Had a short nap just now. Ma eyes are tired becoz watching this computer screen from 10am. Now, abit of fresh, abit of blurr2. Hehee... Hmmnn... just now tried to do d server management for a while. But, it seems like i can't sign in for d virtual pc thingy. It asks for something bout office tel no. What d heck should i write?!! Nvm. Tomorrow i'll ask khai.
Well... Ma day was obviously restless and abit of boredness. But, feels happy that im able to accompany ma dad. Hmmnn.. This afternoon, receive a call from Zee and Fid. They called at d same timing. However, Fid actually asks Zee to call me up to tell something. So, Zee ask me whether this 29 Jan 2006, will i b free. Its actually Fid's engagement day!!! Wooahhh!!... Ma "twin" is getting engaged!!! Hehehehee... I hope that i've no plans on that day. Hmmnn... Know his fiance'-to-b. He used to working at d same company with me and Fid. There is also where they get to know each other. Remember those times when they have some misunderstanding, and ma twin confide to me... Hehehee.. Told her to b strong bcoz, if they are meant to b together, something will come out of it. And yeah!! Its true. Fid is strong and she deserve it!... Feels happy for her. To Fid: Congrats!! Wish ur engagement will lasts till d next step, to marriage level. Wanna wish ya all d best in facing all d ups and downs of engagement lyfe. (^^,)
Just excited to wait till d day comes.
Aniwez, thats d good news that i've receive today. Hmmnn... I think i'll b heading back to bed after this. I just can't continue ma server management assignment. Wanna do other assignment, feels lazy. Hehehee... I try to finish up tomorrow. Futhermore, tomorrow me and khai will b attending maths remedial. Just wanna asks few questions. Revise back what we dun understand. Not sure what time will b back home. But, for sure, not till night. Mayb in d evening. See how our day goes tomorrow.
Ermmnn.. Im actually dunno why today abit of emotional. Izzit bcoz of ma red-lite. Just finish chatting with him. Quite upset with him bout this thingy. About wearing tudung. He said that he feels awkward with gerls that wearing tudung. He compare himself as not being at d same level to go out with those type of gerls. Then ma mind was asking, is he feeling awkward bcoz of what he said or izzit bcoz of feeling ashamed to go out with fearing gerls. I know that this sounds like im jumping to conclusion. But, just feels so upset. Sorry to say, if he can't accept of who i am. Then there'll b difficulties of continuing this friendship... Haiz~~... Why am i being so emotional?! Errghh!!!...
I guess i have to end it here first. I just have to release ma tension. Dun wanna jump to further conclusion which then depressing maself. Before i end it, if he reads ma blog, please dun misunderstood what ive wrote. If need clarification, please ask me. Please dun jump to conclusion. If you're hurt with what ive wrote, im so sorry dear. This is just what inside ma heart that i can't expressed it directly to you.
>><< Im 0uTTa HerE!! Nytez! (".) >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 12:42 AM |
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Not updating ma blog yesterday. Due to certain reasons. One of it is because im veri tired yesterday and d other thing is that, i was kinda had a small accident.
Yesterday was kinda ma bad day. It was bout 8.30pm when d accident takes place. I was on ma way to Woodlands. Im driving along SLE when i take a glance look on d directional boards and im using ma engine brake. Within a few seconds later, when i was about to see ma front view, i was damn shocked to see a motorcyclist was just in front of ma car. He was so damn near!!.. I make an E-break in d middle of d expressway. Furthermore, i was in center lane. Hence, when i took that action, lotsa cars behind me, bout 2 or 3 cars, honed at me. I was stunned for a while after hit d motorcyclist bike. At first, d rider is veri near to fell. But, i think he is experienced enough that he manages to pull back his bike and make himself stable again. I was relief that he did not fall. But, after we exitted d SLE, d rider stopped his bike at d nearest bus stop to check whether his bike is fine. I felt so guilty. Thought of stopping ma car, and ask for apology. But, when i realise that he stopped his bike at d bus stop, i was in d center lane. And i was veri near to d traffic light junction and behind me theres lotsa cars coming. Hence, i make a right turn which then i make a U-turn. As i reached there again, i ask ma mom to check whether he is still there. But, not him nor his bike to found there. He went off already. What i heard from ma mom is that, he is a Malay in his late 30s. Luckily he ride a 2A class bike. To think back, if that guy ride a 2b class, i know for sure that he'll fell. However, till today, felt so guilty. If i had d chance, i wanna mit him up and ask for apology. Now, im worried if he had d chance to take ma car plate no. Haiz~~.. What a luck. Im praying so hard that theres nothing happen.
Yeah. That's what happened yesterday. Im so damn worried till today wanna drive, im still having this fear in me. Whenever sees any motorcyclist, i'll slow down ma car. However, so far, today, ma journey was fine. Alhamdulillah. However, today, went to a few places. First went to ma mom's friend wedding invitation at Yishun. Then, at last minute, went to Changi Point or it also known as Changi Village. Went there becoz ma dad wanna buy some equipments for fishing. This is so as he is planning of going to Pulau Ubin during d Christmas hols that is coming. Not yet confirmed. As ma bro he'll b working. Feels bad if he is not coming along. But he still insist us to go. Hmmmnn... We'll c how it goes later. Aniwez, had some pictures taken today at Changi Point:
There are some renovations made at d jetty there. Opposite of d jetty is d Changi Beach.
Me and ma Daddy & Mummy.
Luvs THEM to d MAX!! (",)
Luvs ice-cream! Yummy!!
(^^,)
It's aLL b0uT ME!! Thats all d pix that was taken at Changi Point. After Changi Point, went to Punggol Field. Ma uncle's house to visit ma granny. As soon as reaching there, im exhausted. With ma back aching due to ma ehem2.. Hehehee... (^^,)
Then after Maghrib, we went back home safely. And now, half exhausted half fresh, was wondering bout ma this particular friend of what his doing right now. Said that he went to TM with his friend to check-out clothes. Hmmnnn....
I think i betta stop here for now. Nytey Nytez.
>><< Im 0uTTa Here!! >><<
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 9:45 AM |
Friday, December 16, 2005
Today, wake up feeling so stupid. With mixed emotions thinking bout him. However, i tell maself that im gonna treat him as ma friend oni. Not more than that. Since he asked me not to like him. I just did what he asked. Just feel like im giving up on him. I know it wouldn't b that easy. But, i will force maself to do it. As long as in ma heart, i'll clear up those special feelings for him. Telling maself that im done with what i've been through and i wanna have an ending. Just feel sick and tired thinking bout what happen next...
For now, what im telling maself is that me and him are normal friends. I'll try ma best to maintain that friendship. However, i'll still b there for him when ever he needs me to b with him. I'll still b his friend whom he can hold on to. Just hope that our friendship, will lasts.
Today, ma day was veri tiring. Reached home at 6.30pm. I was totally flat. As soon as i reached home, keep ma shoes, open ma head-scarf but without changing ma clothes, i just bumped onto ma bed. And i soon reached into ma dream land. Just feels so exhausted. However, im not that hyper at skool or sumtin. Just feels so restless.
Aniwez, this afternoon, he kolled me up. As per usual informing me what he'll gonna do or where he is. Something like reporting strength. But just dunno why he did that since we are just friends. Before that, when i was having ma Internet Networking lecture, he kolled me up. He asked me what am i doing. Heard him sounds so serious. Then lata, he told me he will sms me. Then, few minutes later, he sms me telling me that his ex kolled him up again. Sudddenly ma mood changed. Although, right now im trying ma best to treat him as ma normal friend, but, when hearing d news of his ex returns, really makes feels like im in total darkness. Just worried of losing something precious again. And i know that i just can't bear to lose him again.
After a while we sms, on d way to ma maths class, i was thinking bout him. I was asking inside ma heart why must this always happens to me?... Why is it d happiness is just for a short period of time?.. Why must it b stolen after i have that happiness that im longing for?.. Ive been sacrificing and just dunno why is ma happiness is just for a short period of time. However, i tell maself to b strong. Tell maself to let him go if he wants to. Mayb thats what ma fate has arranged for me. Later, in ma maths class, he kolled. He told me what actually he felt. I know that he is in confusion state. He was just unable to accept what his ex kolled him.
Then, im just there to listens to his probs and comfort him through d phone. I dunno what to say to him. In d early stage i know that his ex will kolled him up again to b back with him again. So, thats why i dunno what i should do or dunno what i should adviced him to do. Just thought of asking to go back to his ex if he thinks he still miss her. I just want him to b happy. But, he told me that he wanna stick to his promises. Im not sure what is his promise. But, mayb its bout him not going back to his ex. However, i just leave everything to him. Oni him decides what best for him. Im just a friend; a stranger that he feels comfortable talking with.
Been having lotsa of thinking bout him on d way back home. And i reached to d conclusion that i will treat him as ma friend. Im gonna clear ma special feelings towards him. Trying not to have or developed any of those special feelings yet. Just leave to fate for what ever happens to me in d future. I believe that God knows whats d best and good for me. Hence, i accept this as a challenge for me. The rest, leave it to him to shaped ma life.
And, yeah. Thats all bout him. Hmmnn... Ya! Btw, on d way back home, at Clementi bus stop. While waiting for ma bus, i saw fad's ex sister. Forgot her name. She was with 3 guys. All of them are going to Ngee Ann Poly for a party. Dunno what party was NP holding on. Just heard from her d party starts at 5.30pm and ends at 10pm. Btw, from ma point of view, fad's ex sister is prettie!!.. She has those kiut features. Have d elegance looks. Hehehe... But shez a punk rock chick too. Hahahaha... Hmmmnn... We had a short conversation till her bus arrives, we separated.
Yeah. Thats all for now. I guess i wanna head to bed. Just did ma Internet Programming E-Learning assignment. Not totally completed. Just finish doing d designing. Haven't started d java programs. Tried but, it seems that it doesn't work. Hence, i give up. Close ma programs, went to eat ma late dinner. And its just simple Tom Yam flavour maggie. Hahahaha... Dunno why im owez eating maggie. Hmmn... And now, waiting for him to kol. He wanna talk to me for a while. Get to know that he just reached home and he wants to clean up himself first. Haiz~... Dunno whether what im doing is right or wrong. Never mind den.
Hmmmnn.. Tomorrow, it's ma turn to b a driver. I'll b accompanying ma dad to Jamiyah at Geylang Lorong 12 there. Then later, in d afternoon, have to go to ma mom's friend child wedding. Hmmnn... Actually, ma mom's friend son, married to ma friend. But, im not close to her at all. But, just can't wait till tomorrow to see her. Haiz~~...
Ok den. Im outta here. Nytez!
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:11 PM |
Thursday, December 15, 2005
4 days i didn't update ma blog. Been veri busy with ma school stuff. Lotsa lab test goin on this week. But, now stress thinking bout MST which is in 2 weeks tyme. Furthermore, with e-learning week, with all d assignments. Haiz~~....
Hmmnn... next, bout ma dad's case. He planned to mit a lawyer to settle his problem. This afternoon mit up with d lawyer. We called him Mr. Gill. Hmmnn.. when first saw him, was quite shocked. He is veri tall and what makes me a bit of frighten is his voice. He has those type of veri deep voice, i could say. He is veri firm guy. Regarding ma father's case, just now he said that ma father has 0% of winning the case. This is because ma dad was being terminated but not being retrenched. That, inside his room, me and ma bro was also there. Hearing what the lawyer has just said, i can see that ma dad is really very dissapointed. I know he would want to try his best to have his compensation money, but, hearing what d lawyer said, can feel his depression at that moment. Mr. Gill told ma dad to find another job since there is no point to still insist fighting in this case but in d end, we lose out and we have to forked out alot of money. I know ma dad wouldn't disagree to that. Mr. Gill's opinion is to ask ma dad just to take his retirement early. Relax himself at home. But, ma dad is d person who can't sit still at home.
Furthermore, d oder day, we went to ma relative's house to visit ma grandad. There, since ma grandad ask ma dad's work, ma dad has to share with him d story. At this one part, he said bout he missed d times he spent with his friends at work. Thats when his tears roll down his cheeks. I was so sorry for him. I know how lonely is him. How he miss those times he chat with his collegues. But now, ended, he stay at home. Always alone in d morning. No one to accompany him. Its just hurting me to see him in that state. Just feel that we are punishing ma dad. Feels like he has no freedom. And right now, with d outcome after mitting d lawyer. With d lawyer's point of view, i know ma dad is much more stressed with what he should do next. But, i know what he is going to do. He have to take out his CPF early. Im feeling so miserable to see ma dad to take out his CPF money earlier than when he supposed to. Onot, he thought of selling this house. That is d last solution. But, to me that is d worst solution. Just can't let go of this house. This housing estate that im living in has been growing with me. Been staying here since i was 1 years old. Been staying here for omoz 20 years. Lotsa memories here. Just can't bear d pain of leaving it. I prayed that we'll not reach to that situation. Just hope that there will other ways to solve our financial problems.
Aniwez, for d past 4 days i didn't update ma blog, something happened. Last sun i was shocked to receive a kol from ma biggest crush,N. I was actually waiting for ma friend kol, but, instead, N kolled. Was wondering what he wants. But, it turns out he wants to ask bout d aggregate thingy for Higher Nitec student to enter Singapore Poly. I have no idea regarding this thingy, so i can't help him out. But, i try to helped him by asking ma friend. Then thought, thats his only intention. But, turns out to b different. He asks me to kol him back and i did. We had a chat for a while. Gets to know that he just broke up with his gerl. And he doesn't wanna talk bout it. Fine. So, in d end we chat for bout an hour. Sharing how our life has been since our 8 mnth of lost contact.
I get to know N from online chatting[MIRC] bout 2 years ago. Hence, ma friendship with him has been 2 years. Along d way of ma friendship, i admit that i had a big crush on him. Although i haven't met him yet till today. I know it sounds so stupid to like someone that you dun mit yet. But, i just can't explain those feelings. And along d way of our friendship, lotsa things happens that i have to let him go and he have to let me go. But, d recent one was that, he was attached, and he has to return to his gerl. I know that he'll do that, and thats why i just let him go. And i know im no one to him. Since i get to know him, i know ma lyfe has been letting go of him and some how or rather, he'll return into ma lyfe. Im not trying to b veri immature thinking bout this stuff. But, it gives some impact to me. And i know that ive been waiting for him. However, since d last time ive let him go, i just feels like i, sick and tired of waiting. Just feel like there is no point of waiting. But, i still have d worriedness deep in ma heart if eva one day he returns. Hence, i just move with d flow. I dun wait any longer and im not ready for a new relationship with anyone.
Till last sun, his kol really shocked me out. Just dun expect him to return. However, im glad and happy for his return. But, there's something that worries me alot. I realise that im not feeling as how i used to when he returns to me d last time. I realise that im worried of something. The truth is that im worried if d past will b repeated. I dunno why i have that fear. Its just feels like im risking ma heart again. I dun mean that his presence right now means that its another burden for me. Instead, i just feels happy and comfortable to chat with him. He'll make ma day a nice day. With his presence, just makes me feels so relief.
However, ma curiosity is finally smelt by him. He ask me what am i worried about. And today, we really talk things out. I told him bout ma fears that is he gonna b using me as how he used to?.. What was his motive returning?.. And i told him d truth that im worried that one day, if ma feelings will start to developed again but in d end, he'll just leave me again. But, ma friend ask me a gud qn d oder day. She ask me what actually i want. And till today i still dunno whats actually that i want. Im just worried to open-up ma feelings to find out what i want. Its becoz, im worried that in d end i dun get it. I prefer to just leave it like this. Rather than finding what i want. Mayb you people reading this would say that what i want is obviously N to love me. Hmmnn... Mayb. But, i dun dare to say anything. I know if i ask for that, its something too soon for him. Bcoz, he just broke up with his gerl last week. And i know that, i can't do that coz with ma situation that im in right now.
He told me that he likes me. But, to have me, its something that is impossible to him. He compares me with him that im not what i expect from him. Hence, in this confusion, he just concluded and ask me not to have any feelings for him. He worried to hurt me again. Although at d same time, he tried his best to make me believe he wouldn't leave me animore. He wants us to remain as friends for as long as it can b. I just dun understand him. Onot, i just dun understand maself.
Right now what i oni want is that, i want to know it straight whether he just wants us to b plain normal friends forever or is he gonna have something on at d later stage. I just want to stop ma mind from asking lotsa questions. I just wanna stop ma heart from falling for him. I just wanna know d truth. Just wanna know what is it leads to. I dun wanna make another mistake which i will regret again. Haiz~~~.....
Another problem is bout miting him. I just dunno when will we have d opportunity to mit. Haiz~~... I have no comments. Right now, i just leave everything to fate. To make a decision but i dunno what or which path to choose. Now, im just staying hanging in d air. I guess, im tired thinking bout all this. Wanna stop it here right now. If one day he has d opportunity to read this, i hope that he dun misunderstands ma entry. Ma motive was not to ask him to b outa ma life. I still needs him to b here with me. Although he told me that i can forget him. Its just a month of suffering, then it'll b over. I can get rid off him from ma mind. If just now i had d chance, feels like wanna tell him that, if its that easy, i won't b like this. Haiz~~...
Im 0uTTa HerE!!!...
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:11 PM |
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Just came back from ma uncle's house. Went there to visit ma granny. I dunno why today i feel like im so damn blur. Im very frustrated with maself.
Just hate maself a few seconds ago. The thing that im frustrated with maself is bout ma driving. Just now, after reaching ma place, thought of sending ma parents at ma blk first. While i was about to enter ma blk, i was quite shocked that at d round about, lotsa cars park as they like at d double yellow line. Then, as i was bout to stop ma car, i didn't realise that ma left side mirror is veri near to d wall. Ma bro was half shouting asking me to stop. I just dunno what am i thinking. Maybe its just because im worried bout d car that just behind me. I dunno what am i thinking bout d car behind me. Thats when suddenly ma bro said that there is this one "Pak Aji" in front doing his work. I think maybe i was kinda nervous, thats when i didn't realise that ma left side mirror almost hit d wall.
Then another stupid thing happen. After ma parents went out of d car, me exchange driver with ma bro. While exchanging, i was looking at d "Pak Aji" and suddenly i bumped with ma bro. It was veri great impact till ma bro scolded me there. Straight jack i get!.. Feeling much more frustrated, i just went inside d car, sitting beside ma bro, and just shut ma mouth. All d while i was cursing maself because of ma stupid mistake. Just can't stop blaming maself for ma dumbest mistake!!.. ERGHH!!!!...
After ma bro parked d car, he chat with me as usual. Im not mad at him at all. While on the way back home, he went back to d place where i dropped ma parents, he pointed out ma mistake and explains to me what i should do. Then inside ma heart i was so disspointed with maself bcoz i felt like as though with ma stupidest mistake that i just did, it makes ma parents not to have the confidence to b ma passenger. Just cursing maself since just now. Feeling so down right now. Worrying bout tomorrow, i'll b driving again. Haiz~~...
Aniwez, today, ma day was quite tiring. I woke up at bout 8.30. I was late to mit ma friend for ma revision. Luckily, she understands me well. We mit up at Woodlands Civic Center. We study not that long. About 11.45, we went out of d library, and take our lunch. Then bout 12.45, me and ma friend went our different ways. She went home and me, waited for ma bro to fetch me.
Me and ma bro reached home bout 1.10pm. While waiting for ma parents to get ready, i downloaded a song, Etre Une Femme by Anggun. Heard it inside d car while was on d way home. Finds it quite a nice song. Then, while downloading, i tooka short nap. Bout 2pm, all of us are ready, and we went out.
Our first destination is Jamiyah at Geylang Lorong 12. On the way there, went inside to all these Lorongs', seen lotsa these women standing around. I dunno actually what d heck they were doing. But i suspected it something fishy is going on. Then ma bro explained to me. Then, ma conclusion was right. Just feels irritated with them. By d way how they dressed up, standing around, chatting with d guys, and what ever that they are doing. But, at d same time, feels so sorry for them bcoz they have to do this type of job. Pity them. But, maybe thats what their life has been fated for them.
Went to Jamiyah bcoz of ma dad's case. Ma dad wanna seek a lawyer's point of view on his prob and asking for his suggestions bout what is d action that he should take next. We choose to went there is bcoz he knows lotsa bout these laws thingy that is going on in Singapore. For one long hour, at last, we had our first step. He advice us to find a lawyer to fight for our case. Which then we will go to MOM with our lawyer to at least give ma dad d compensation money. After having all the suggestions, we went straight for our dinner.
We went to Bedok Corner. Ma parents order ikan pari bakar with another ikan bakar[dunno what ikan] with sayur kangkong. Ma drink was Milo Dinosaur while d rest just drink teh tarik. Ermmnn.. all was nice. But, i wasn't eating that much bcoz im quite full when reaching there. Ma Mc Wings that i had for ma lunch haven't digested yet. Hehehe...
After had our lunch, went straight to ma uncle's house. Thats when ma granny talks lotsa stuff. But, out of all topic, ma granny talks bout marriage. She ask me when i'll b finishing ma school. Then she ask me whether i wanna get married after that. Kinda shocked. But, i just replied to ma granny that im not ready yet for all those stuff. I share with her what are ma plans after i graduated from ma poly. She just agree what i said. Wondering whether she understands what am i talking bout. Hahahaha... Then she asked bout ma friend whether they are married already onot. Yeah. I just share with her bout ma friends story. Most of ma friends are not married yet, but, they are getting engaged soon. I just listen to her comments. Maklom laa... Orang tua. Iyerr kan jelaa.. Hehehe...
Yeah. Thats what ive been doing d whole day. Now, very tired. Feeling restless. However, worried bout ma lab test for next week. Not yet finished doing ma revision. Haiz~~... But, what im worried more right now, is about tomorrow. I'll b driving tomorrow to lotsa places. Have lotsa wedding invitations. There will b 3 places. One at Tamp, Bukit Panjang and last is ma cousin at Woodlands Circle. Haizz... Gez i stop here for now.
Oh yaa!!.. To ma friends who has approached me at msn this afternoon, would want to ask for forgiveness bcoz at that moment, i forget to switched off ma computer. Hmmnn.. Ma com has been running for d whole day. Ma bill will b BOOMED!!!.. Hahaha.. Aniwe, feels kinda relief at least ma dad's case, we'll fight for it. Hopefully, we'll win this case. To ma dad, tanx alot for the treat just now. Although we has financial difficulties right now, he still knows how to treat us. Haiz~~.. All of us prayed for you that rezekimu murah. (",) Ok den.
Im outa here!!ZZzzZzzZzz |-)
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:34 PM |
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Today, nothing much happens. I was late for school today. Ma class starts at 9am. But, i reached school at 11pm. I missed 2 lessons. Haiz~... Dunno why so difficult to wake up. But, actually, im d one who sleeps at 3am yesterday. Thats d main reason why i can't manage to wake up on time. Hehehee...
Ermmnn.. At school, during ma break time, i saw ma ex twin. Hehehe.. He just got abit of d features of ma ex. Ma friend, fad, teasing as per normal. But, its just a plain joke. However, later through out d day, with lecture, i was dreaming all d way. Just have no mood to listens to d lecture.
After ma lecture ends, me, fad and khai went to Jurong East. While waiting for d bus going to J.E, fad has been saying bout ma dad will b in d bus no 74. She is saying that bcoz ma dad usually take that bus to go home after werk. But, now, ma dad is no longer werkin. And fad doesn't know bout that. Thats why she has been saying that ma dad will b in d 74 bus. However, just dun feel like telling her yet. Just let her know on her own. Its not that i wanna b veri secretive. But, im worried that i'll put me in emo and stressing situation. Hope she'll understand. So, went to J.E for some brochers[dunno how to spell] for our GEMS stuff. Finding for d investment thingy. Then later, accompany khai to d library. She borrow some books. Then, we went home.
On the way home, i just can't stop thinking bout ma dad. To see him alone at home doing housework makes me feels so sorry for him. Just can't stand the thought of he is lonely. If possible, i wanna accompany him everyday, helped him out if that would makes him happy. Since yesterday, i reached home, shocked to see him cleaning up d house alone. Carrying all d heavy tables and carpets that he are not supposed to with his condition. I was quite shocked to see him doing everything on his own. Then, each time i wanna go out from d house, to leave him alone at home, gives me d feeling of worriedness. Thats why, this few days i feels like i wanna b back home early. Just wanna make sure ma dad is not lonely. And today, ma mind have been thinking all negative stuff. I dunno why. But, to imagine how it will b when ma dad left me forever, brings me to tears. Mayb people reading this will say that im being veri emo. Yeah. I agree to it that im an emo gerl. But, its just that i lpve them so much till to d point that i can't let them go. Haiz...
Think i have to stop here first. Just can't go further. Before im out, just have this curious feeling towards ma few friends. These few friends of mine used to b veri close, but, dunno why now, it seems they are avoiding me. They act as though im guilty. Just dun understand these people. They will crack reasons so that i will not disturb them. Fine. To those people who think that way, i guess, you will not hear me bugging your lyfe any more. Just get out from ma ;yfe and dun ever come back when you needs any help!
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:24 PM |
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
It has been a long time since i wrote ma last entry. Been having lotsa stuff to do till didn't have d time to update ma blog. So, now i return. Hope that can continue with ma bloggin everyday.
Lotsa things has happened for d past few months. Learn lotsa things. Been in lotsa situation. Some are unforgettable swit memories but mostly, lotsa bitter memories. I realise that this year ma attitude changed alot. Till, i almost lost to the wrong path. However, with all ma true friends around me, they pull me back to d right path. Thats what im thankfull till this day.
Ma skool, is going pretti well so far. I was quite relief and thankfull when knowing that i can proceed to ma 2nd sem. Ma last sem, i did very badly. I have lotsa D's. This is all due to ma poor attendance. Thats why it pull down ma grades. Not only that, for ma mid-sem tests, i did worst. I failed all ma modules except for ma maths. I blame maself. But, at that moment, im juz havin some stuff going on. It distracts ma attention. However, tanx alot to ma best buddy, khai, becoz she haz been helpin me with all ma studies. She helped me through all ma fears. Tanx dear. Till today, shez been by ma side. Guiding me and giving me all d advices and help that she could give.Hanya Allah akan membalas segala jasa2 awk pada kte.
Next, getting to know ma ex found someone new to replace ma place. Im happy for him. Though sometimes, i dun deny it that i still remember all d memories. He teach me lotsa stuff. He is a nice guy and veri understanding. One thing that i admire about him is that, when comes to relationship, he will do anything as long as his partner will love him as how he loves her. But, we are not fated to b together. And i dun think we can b friends as what he wished. However, if i have d courage, would like to congratulate him and thank him for d memories that we used to have. Wanna ask for forgiveness because can't make him d happiest guy. Wanna wish him all d best in his new relationship. And, just feels like his new gerl is pretty. (",)
As for me. Since Feb 17 till today, im still on ma own. Yes. Dun deny, been getting to know lotsa friends; especially d guys. But, none really captures ma heart. Some of this guy friends that i get to know is veri nice. Some are (sorry to say) veri irritating. However, itz something that ive learnt. Im not saying that im veri choosy, but, the truth is that, im not ready to have someone new in ma life. Itz not that i wanna play around or flirt with guys, its just that, right now, i prefer to b a friend whom can accompany when they needs accompany. For now, maybe im just wanna b on ma own, onot, i haven find that person yet. I just leave this stuff to fate.
For now, what i only want is to make ma parents, especially ma dad, proud of me. Would want to further ma studies after ma diploma. For now, lotsa problems that me and ma family will have to go through. One of it that is veri recent is about ma dad. He is no longer working since last tues. I was shocked to hear d news. It really strez me out. I was worried bout everything. Bout payments for d house bills, medication bills, transportation and other miscellaneous stuff. Im worried for ma dad. Just can't bear to see him feelings lonely. Just can't let him to be in that situation. If possible wanna make him d happiest dad in d world. Without thinking or strezing bout his problems. I wonder, for how long this will go. I prayed that ma dad will get a new job. Although he was being retrenched under medical board scheme. Just can't stop thinking bout ma life in d future. Can't stop thinking bout ma dad's problems. Im so sorry for him. If only there is anything that i can help, i will. But, he only wants me to study. He dun want me to think bout other stuff. He is d best dad in d world. I LOVE U, DAD.
However, today, after ma skool finish, went out with ma beluved friend, khai. We chill out at our usual port - Marina and Esplanade. We just went for window shopping at Marina Square. Then i met ma another best buddy, yat. He knows alot bout me. Been there with me in what ever mood im in. To yat, tanx alot for being ma friend. I appreciate getting to know him since the first day I get to know bout him. Some of d pix taken during ma chill-out:
We're on our wae & we were too engrossed takin pix by reflection.
Itz aLL bouT Uz
Dats me wif yat. D oni guy that im veri close till today. (",) Hmmnn.. wad r u lookin at yat??? Dun worrie! I won't spoil ur hp! :D
NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:52 PM |
