L o n e l y I n T h e D a r k

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Not been updating for a few days due to lotsa projects that im currently having, lotsa plans with friends and family and lastly, just dun have d time to update ma blog. And now, here i am. Im bored to hell. Lotsa stuff goin thru in ma mind. So, tryin to ease ma mind abit, i blog in to say everythin wad i wanna say.

Since last week, lotsa of projects have been assign to every students. Almost all of d modules have projects. Total bout 5 projects that we have to finish up before our semester exam which is in end feb. Haiz~.. But, today, alhamdullillah, some of d projects is half completed already. Left with a few more. I hope that i manage to finsih up before d dateline. Insya'allah.

Aniwez, last sat, went out with ma fren, Adip. d purpose is just to accompany Adip or rather, im just helping Adip to find some teddy bear for a gift for Adip's ex. So, we from City Link to Marina Square. From searching d suitable teddy, we then went to watch a movie at Marina Square. We watch Cheaper By The Dozen 2.

d story was damn funny!! Its a great comedy show. I would give it a 4.5 star movie. After watchin d movie, Adip suddenly decided to buy d teddy bear at Mini Toons. then, cut d story short, i thought Adip bought d bear for d ex; but, instead, that bear is for me. GOSH!!! Im totally shocked. Adip was smart enough that Adip ask me to bring home d bear, after i reached home, then Adip told me that Adip bought d bear for me. Im speechless. I dun wanna accept anything that expensive from anyone anymore unless they are someone who are special to me. I told Adip that i wouldn't accept that gift, but, bcoz of friendship, fine, reluctantly i accept it. But, i dun feel good bout it though. So, to share to all d readers here, ive taken some pix with d teddy bear that Adip bought for me and another gift that i received in 2 years back(2004). Just simply clik on d pix below:

Yeah!.. Thats d bear that Adip bought for me. As for d heart-shape bugs bunny, i bought it maself. Hehehe.. And as for d fossil watch, its from sum1 in d past. Though we've lost contact, i'll still remember him. At d beginning, after we went our different ways, i thought of giving back that watch to him, but, he did not want it. Then, thought of throwing it away, but, ma friends advices me not to. They advice me although im no longer with him, but, just to show some appreciation, just keep d watch. Hence, till today, d watch is still with me; im still wearing it on any occasion. Im still wearing it doesn't mean im still waiting or luving him. Its just as an appreciation of ma friendship. Appreciation on how much of his effort to bought for me that expensive watch. Itz not more than that. If i have an opportunity, i would like to repay him back. But, i dun think that i will have that opportunity anymore, as i do aware that now hez belong to sum1. From far, in silence, i wished him may he have d happiness that he wished for with his new luv. Im happy for him that finally he found d replacement of me. And as for Adip, i wanna tank u for d bear, and not only that, on everything that u spent on me!

Aniwe, last sat, on d eve of Chinese New Year, met with Adip again. These time round just to spent sometime with Adip before Adip go to Taiwan. So, on that day itself, we did a last minute planning and we decided to go to PS. We watched movie again. At first we planned to watch Fun With Dick & Jane. But, bcoz d timing is so late, we watched Fearless instead.

As for this movie, I really luvz it. Had lotsa action stunts and d ending part is very emotional. Likes everything in this movie. By d way, heard rumours that this will b d last movie that Jet Li will b acting. Hmmm.. Hez a great actor. Really admire every stunts; moves or actions that he made. However, overall, I'll give this movie 4.5 star!! Itz really nice! You peeps should watch this. For ladies out there, if you're not in action movies, I dun advice you to watch this. Afraid that you'll b bored. Hehehe...

Aniways, after everything is over, me and Adip have no idea where we should go. So, after for a while we've been rounding that Marina Square, we ended at Starbucks. There I had a slice of cheese cake and, ermmnn.. i forgot the drink name. The taste is nice. One of the reason bcoz itz free. Hahaha.. Tanx to Adip for the treat.

There, we had a long chat. Talk bout everything. Everything bout me and also bout Adip. Here, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Adip bcoz i turn Adip down. Im soooo sorry. I know how much Adip wants it to work out; but, in the end, I let Adip down. Forgive me. But, what I can say is that, I just can't have more than friendship with Adip. I truly treat Adip as ma closest friend onot, as a bro to me. The reason im treating Adip that way is mayb bcoz, im just not ready to b attached. Or, mayb bcoz im still waiting for this one particular person. Adip knows who the guy is. But, as for ma second reason, im still unsure bout it; bcoz, as day passes by, im losing ma grip. Im so sorry that I dun even give Adip a chance. Im soo sorry to u, Adip. But, i've ask Adip why must he risk his heart, although he already knew whats ma ans is. Adip simply replied that he doesn't wanna b like Yat. He prefer to know the truth rather than waiting for something that he unsure of. So, i've made another cut again.

Adip was the first guy for this year that i've made him broken-hearted. However, im thankfull to him that he really understands and respect ma decision. But, now, i leave everything to him. I dunno whether i'll still b his friend animore. Or i'll b a stranger from his past. I'll leave everything to Adip to decide. Im not gonna stop Adip if he prefer us to b stranger. Bcoz, i understand what he felt.

Sometimes, i do wonder, why izzit im like this. Izzit bcoz im still strongly holding on to something. Im veri worried weneva i have this thoughts. Im worried that me maself ended broken-hearted. I really hate to dissapoint people. I really hate to broke people's heart. But still, i did it. Another cut has been made by me to someone whom is veri close to me. Known Adip for bout to 6 mnths. Knows Adip's past life, character and some secrets.

To Adip: Tanx for giving me d chance to noe who you are. Tanx for giving me d trust. Tanx for sharing with me bout your life. Tanx for being ma good friend. Tanx for always listen to ma probs. Tanx for always giving me advices. Tanx for teaching me alot bout religion history. Tanx for understanding me. Tanx for every cents that you spent on me. Tanx for helping me. Tanx for everything. I can do nothing. I can't even repay for every kindness that you did to me. Not even accepting what you want. Im sorry. But, I dun wanna repeat ma past mistake. And sorry that I dun even take d chance to try out. This is so bcoz, i noe maself that i can't do it. That, nothing will turn out from what you intend to do. So, I dun wanna waste any of your time, I would prefer you to find some other gerls out there whom ca treasure you more that I do. Ma prayers for you is that, you'll get d gerl of your dreams; meaning, someone that can really take care of you, can understand you, can accept of who you are, can love you sincerely and appreciate you for everything that you are made of. Im sorry Adip. I know that mayb you can say that Im being so stubborn or stupid for waiting someone that who doesn't show any interest on me. For your info, I do realise that. But, Im still trying to forget that person. Im still trying to accept new people. Im still trying to giving people a chance. But, till today, Im still like this; stuck with ma own stupidity and stuborness. I still nid tyme for me to b alone and think everything over. I didn't noe that to forget HIM will b these tough. Mayb itz something easy to you. But, not to me. I've give ma heart to d wrong person. And, once ma heart was given, itz not easy for me to get it back. Im just that type of person. Im sorry one again for everything. Wish you all d best in everything you do. You'll still b ma friend....

After everything is over, i met with Jup. Jup is going to a gig that was held at Esplanade. Jup is going with one of his old gurl-fren. Dunno what is up between d two of them. But, i know, that was a date. Jup wanna forget d past. So, happy for him that he can really moves on. Been tryin to help him out. Hope it really works. Just wish that wadeva he is doing, is something good for himself and d people around him. As for Jup, im quite close with him. But, i treat him as ma bro. Not more than that. Used to admire him, but, only his looks. Thats all. Now, im more than happy that we have this sister-brotherhood relationship.

Jup get d chance to mit Adip. Not for long, after d gurl that Jup datin out with arrives, we separated. Actually, i thought of going to Fidah's house. Since i can't attend to her engagement day, I thought of going to her house to at least pay back what i'll miss. But, can't get her through. Before going out from CT Link, met with ma dearest best friend; Jun. Then, from there, I change ma plans, I went out hanging around with her instead. So, I told Adip that i've met ma friend and mayb im going to Fidah's house with Jun. So, Adip went home alone. Im soo sorry. But, hope that Adip understand.

After Adip went back home, I hang around at that area with Jun. Ask Jun to come along with me to Fidah's house; but, she can't make it, as she has to b home early. Hmmmnn... In the meantime, I tried calling Fidah, but, can't get her through till it was bout 9pm. Itz running late, and i have to b home before 10pm. So, in the end, I fetch Jun home and I took bus home.

Just nid to apologise to alot of people. Im so sorry to fidah that unable to attend to her engagement day. To Adip, once again im sorry bcoz i've turn him down. To everyone who knows me and reading this, Im sorry for every wrong doing that I made whether I did it on purpose or not, and whether I realise it or not. Please forgive me!

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:26 PM |

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Today, d SPINNOVEX has started. Itz bout courses and careers fair that was provided by SP. Lotsa students from secondary schools attend to this open house. Including students from d school itself!! Hahaha..

So, lotsa exhibitons going on. Aniwe, did accompany ma cousin looking around at d courses that might interest her. Hmmnn, she said that she would like to take up optemetry course. And I heard that d maximum points that she can get is only 10 points. Its quite high d requirements. If it was to b ma case, for sure i'll not get that course. Hahaha...

However, today, i did take some pix that i can share with all d readers here. Not forgotten, today is also kinda ma luckiest day; got d chance to take pix with d Perfect10 deejays: Daniel Ong and Carrie Chong. Here are d pix that I manage to take:

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This is actually a soap bar. Itz sumtin very moisturising. It looks like jelly and it oso has nice smells. Hehehee...

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Sumtin bout plane demonstration. Dunno wad d heck iz everything bout. But, d plane is nize. They're are veri gud in these stuff! Hehehee..

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Hmmnn.. I wonder wad this is. But, this thingy captures ma attention cause itz unique!.. Hmmmnn..

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This is actually a puppy doll. It reacts when we clap our hands. This puppy is quite kiut!... (^^,)

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This 2 pix is oso sumtin like puppy dolls'. But, this reacts to our touch. And it can moves with d trolley that they're attached with. D problem is, i dunno how. Hehehe... 8-)

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This one is more kinda plane games. U sit and look at d screen. There'll b some joy sticks where u can play with it. It looks real. But of course its not! DUH!! ^0)

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Itz uz; d DCNT2B04 Malay gerls wif Daniel Ong and Carrie Chong!! WeEeEee!!.. (",)

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Daniel Ong and Carrie Chong is hosting a game with d visitor's from different schools. Tanx to dem for kindly hosting this SPINNOVEX 2006.

Finish walking around by 4pm. Then, me, khai, fad, ma cousin and her friend; suriana, went to Heeren. Accompany Fad to chek out some sandals. Then lata, we went to PS. Khai went home ferst. Left me, fad, ma cousin and suriana. Not for long. By 6 Fad has to go to work. So, left me, ma cousin and suriana, we went to Marina Square to have our dinner. We eat at Burger King. While having dinner, chat bout d lyfe in poly. Share with ma junior bout everything of poly lyfe. Finish everything, before we went home, we chiLL 0uT at Esplanade. As usual, just can't stop ma hand from snaping pix. So, here's some pix that ive took:

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c aLL d building of banks' and some other buildings that i wished i culd werk there someday. Hehee.. Oh ya! One of ma fren is already werking in one of d banks there. Hmmnn.. (",)

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Do u know wadz that?!! If u dunno; then ur not a Singaporean! Thats Merlion u dumb assess! Hahaha.. :p

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Last shot: I luv to c this Fullerton Hotel. Dunno y. Mayb bcoz of itz classic structure of d building. To me; i find it looks like some hotel in those English countries. Hehee..

Yeah! That's all bout it!

Im tired right now. Guess im stopping here first.

To everyone, Nytey Nytez & Switty Dreammy aites! Take Care!

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:37 PM |

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Reaching home at 6 plus. While at d corridor, saw Dad clean up his garden. Pity him so much. Although he is sick, he still care bout his plants. He caught with fever yesterday. So, at night, he felt so weak that he wanna go to c doc. I accompany him yesterday. Bought some stuff. When reached home, kinda shocked that Mom reached home that early. Thought she'll b reaching home at 11.

Now, just finish having ma dinner. Actually im very upset wif Mom. Ive been borrowing her Ez-link for a week plus. This is bcoz ma Ez-link has no value. I didn't top-up ma Ez-link since end of last sem. Meanwhile, i use Mom's Ez-link for ma trip when im taking train to school. I seldom take train. Usually i take bus. Only when im from Uncle's house or when im having any exam going on, so as not to b late, then i'll b using Mom's Ez-link. But, as for yesterday, i use her Ez-link to buy ma lunch at Mc Donalds. I didn't bring any pocket money to school. So im using what i have at that moment. I just spent bout $6.00 for ma meal. Now, her Ez-link left with bout $20.

What im realli upset with her is that she seems like she dun understand what ive been trying to do. She ask bout ma Ez-link. What happen to ma Ez-link. I'd explain everything to her. She seems like she wanna ask why i didn't top-up ma Ez-link. D reason why i didn't top-up is bcoz, i rarely take train. And next reason is that, i just dun have d gut to ask Dad for money to top-up ma Ez-link. I know Mom expects me to ask Dad for d money. But, Mom, please!! Dad is no longer working. Although i know that its Dad's responsibilities to provide me everything that i need; but, now that Dad is no longer working. I can't possibly b like last time; if i need anything i go to Dad and ask from him. I just can't do that anymore. Since d veri day Dad told me that he was being terminated, he still give me pocket money. That touches ma heart. He gives me d same amount as how he used to.

Thats why when yesterday he forget to give me pocket money, i just keep quiet. Im unable to ask from him money. Bcoz i know that now he is no longer working. Everyday, money in his bank is getting out. But not going in. How can i possibly ask him money when i know what is his probs. Sometimes i wonder, why Mom dun understand what im trying to do.

Just now Dad ask me why im using Mom's Ez-link. He ask me why i didn't top-up ma Ez-link. What should i say? Bcoz i dun wanna ask for your money anymore.; Bcoz i dun wanna burden you anymore. I can't say what actually inside ma heart. Im not gud in expressing what i felt. I prefer to just keep it to maself. I know Dad has been in tough time. Ive tried ma best to keep Dad happy. I dun wanna put Dad in any worries bout money or anything else. Why can't Mom just understand what's ma intention all this while.

For Mom: You've changed alot Mom. I missed d OLD you. Now, you've been very busy with work. Sometimes i feel like you've neglected me. Not only me, but, d whole fam. Mom, i've tried ma best to b d perfect daughter. Ive tried ma best to understand what you want from me. But, i just can't c if anything that i did that makes you proud or happy. Why Mom?.. Mom, i dun wanna repeat d past. Im trying to b d best daughter. Im trying to make you proud of me. Im trying to make you happy. Mom, i dunno what is in your mind right now. I dunno what you're going after. I know you're panic when hearing that Dad was terminated. All of us is panic. All of us is dissapointed. But, Dad is much more dissapointed. Please understand Dad. Please Mom.

If i was given d permission to work, i'll work. But, Dad dun allow me. I know that you're worried bout our life ahead without money. But Mom, its not that we didn't tried. We tried so hard; we tried everything that we could. And now we leave everything to HIM.

Mom, sometimes i wonder, am i putting another burden to you. Is that what bothers you. Is that what you're so frustrated about. Im sorry Mom if that so. Sometimes im in difficult situation. Ma heart wanna do something to help out this fam, but, bcoz of not to upset some people, i have to forget ma intention. What should i do Mom?.. All i ask from you now is that, please dun burden Dad with any probs. If you're not happy with me, just say it directly to me. I just dun want Dad to b worried any further. He sacrifice alot for us mom, if you dun realise.

Mom, what ever you did to me, just wanna let you know that you're ma best Mom still. No one can ever replace your place. I know that im not d perfect daughter as what you wished for. I'll try ma best improving maself to b what you want. Im just a young teenage; young adult who is in need of HER own life. HER own life is actually with HER fam. She just wanna c that what ever she did, HER fam to b happy. That's all that SHE ask. You didn't know how much SHE luv HER fam. No one will ever know how SHE felt for HER fam. Only d Almighty knows...

Mom, our life will never b d same again Mom. But, i hope you'll not b too busy finding money till you forget bout us. We need you alot more than other things. You're d best Mom, that this fam needs. That till today, our fam is still strong with you around. I wish that d OLD you will return. Mayb ive been keeping quiet, ive not having much conversation with you. But Mom, i still do luv you. What ever im doing, ive been watching closely everything that is happening in this fam. Only that, sometimes, i feel like i dun have d right to point out what's each of our mistakes. Bcoz, im too young in this fam. But, ive prayed day and night, that HIM will let you realise what's our mistakes. Mom, i really miss you alot... I miss those OLD times...

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE!! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 9:38 PM |

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Hmmnn.. At last, yesterday went for ma fishing wif Dad and Bro. At ferst was planned to go on Friday. But, ma bro has last minute call from his supervisor. So he has to attend to his calls. Hence, all plans was cancelled. And we make new plans for yesterday.

I woke up veri d early. After doing ma morning[Suboh] prayers, get maself ready for d fun. Outta house by 7.30am. Unfortunately, mom unable to join us. She have to work. So, we fetch Mom to her work ferst. Then we went to Changi Village to buy all d "umpan". We were there early, but, d "umpan" wasn't there yet. So we had our breakfast ferst at d coffeeshop. About 10.30am then, d "umpan" arrive. After getting all d stuff, we head down to Punggol. So, Punggol here we come!!!..
To c what we did, i'll share with you some pix i took. Clik on d pix below and follow d link:

We spend d whole day there. And most of d pix are Dad and Bro. None of them wanna take ma pix. So i take ma pix on ma own. Hahahaa.. However,we felt satisfied with all d catch that we get. Especially d one that Dad caught. In Malay, d name that was given to d fish was "Ikan Jahan". We didn't expect that we can get it. Bcoz with our fishing equipment and materials that we had, we couldn't manage to get that BIG fish. But, what can we say. Everything id with GOD's will. Thats what we believe. Itz unbelievable, but, with what our believes', nothing is impossible.

As soon as we reached home, we clean-up every mess. And not forgotten, we weigh d fish. It is bout almost 2kg. Hmmnn.. Quite heavy hor!! Hehee.. Thats d most memorable experience.

Aniwe, im taking this opportunity to say something. Since yesterday i've been keepin maself into silence. Im sorry to everyone of ma friends. Including Khai. I know they called me. But, i just ignored it. I did that bcoz i need sometime to b alone. I really do. Im sorry for ma stupid action. Till now, i haven't check ma phone yet. Ma main reason for acting this way is just to give maself sometime without any disturbance. I just wanna clear ma mind.

Yesterday, waking up with ma swollen eyes. Been thinking it over d night before. Think of something that i hope that i'll not regret. On d night before, before i went to bed, i know that i can't sleep. Hence, i told Him that what i find about Him that some kinda disturbs me. I told Him that he changed alot this lately. Im trying so hard to getting use to His change. But, it suffers me alot. Just can't stop d pain. Trying to know what's d cause of His change. But, His reply was simply, "due to some personal problems". Fine. I wouldn't wanna know further. Before i end with Him, I inform Him that i just did what He had asked me to do before. He ever told me to remind Him if He change in His character wise. He told me that He dun wanna repeat d same OLD mistake again. So, i did ma job. His last message was that, He ask me not to worry, its not ma mistake. I didn't reply. I tell maself to put a fullstop to it. Throughout d night, im alone, making ma mind from stop suffering, stoping ma heart from d pain. Thats why i need these time to give it to maself. Im sorry to ma friends if you tried to contact me, im just "unavailable". Im sorry that you're d victim. But this won't be long. I hope, by tomorrow i'll b fine.

To Him: I've just lost of words. I wish Him that He'll b happy in whatever He is doin. Sorry to say, but, I guess d past will b repeated.

Im leaving now. Swit dreams to everyone.

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:00 PM |

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Yesterday i slept at 2am, and today i woke up late. I woke up at 9am. Ma ferst lesson starts at 9am. Hence, i took ma own sweet time, get maself ready, and i reached skool at 11am. I went for ma Maths lesson. Entering ma Maths class late. Just show ma "sardine" face. Hehee..

After Maths lesson ended, me, Khai, Fad and Liyana went to d ladies. And we had our haircut there. Hahaha.. Only for me and khai. Liyana was just there to watch us. I only asked Fad; our hairstylist, to trim ma fringe, whereas, for Khai, she asked Fad to cut her hair abit short. So, while we have our haircut, some pix were taken. Hehehee... Let's c what we did..
Just click on d pix and follow d link:

Hee.. Thats all what we've been doing inside d ladies. Hehehe. Now, just finish helping Dad cook Asam Pedas. Today, both Dad and Bro went for fishing at Punggol. its d same place as we went d other day. Only that, today, there went to a different spot. They went further inside. They caught some fishes. Altogether was, ermmnn.. bout 10 fishes. I think. Hehee.. Im unable to join them bcoz im skoolin. Same goes to Mom; she has to got o work. However, i manage to take some pix from their catch today. Clik on d pix below and follow d link:

Yeap! Can't believe that Bro manage to capture that BIG fish. Hmmnn.. Just can't wait for ma turn to go fishing. Hehehe... Bro actually plans to go tomorrow, but, tomorrow im skoolin. Haiz~~... I dun wanna missed d fun!! Arrggh!!

C how it'll goes tomorrow. Aniwez, i guess i'll b stopping here for now. Wanna pay back ma insufficient of sleep. Hehehe.. Swit dreamz~.(-.-)

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:24 PM |

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Today i woke up at 4am. Ma parents and bro went back home without me. I choose to stay. I choose to go to school from ma uncle's place. Yeah. And im outta ma uncle's house by 7am. Luckily it was not that crowded in d train. And i manage to get a seat for maself. All d way from Punggol station till Outram Station, i was veri d sleepy. Been sleeping throughout d journey. Ma eyes keep shuttin as if ma eyelids was being glued to each other.

Reached skool quite early at bout 8.15am. It has been a long time since i went for ma ferst class on wednesday. Hehehe. A few minutes later, khai arrives. She bring for me Chocolate Fudge cake. Thank-you ma darling! Its delicious. Hehee..

Today i receive ma maths paper. I get 61.5 for ma maths. Wasn't expect that i can pass. At first i thought i failed. But, Alhamdulillah, i made it. Tanx to Fad, Khai and Liyana for teaching me although it was a last minute. Im quite surprise though that i can passed bcoz on d day im doin ma revision, i knew that i can't focus on ma revision. Have something bothers ma mind. Once again, tanx to them who had helped me!
Luv you aLL!!! *muackx*

Finish ma lesson at 12pm. Then, Fad wanna treat us Pizza Hut. She said she wanna treat us bcoz she wanna repay us for helping her during her difficult times. Hmmnn.. As what Malay proverb says, "Kalo rezeki datang, jangan ditolak!" Hahaha.. Hence, we went to our skool Pizza Hut. There itz cheaper than outside. So, here's some shots taken while havin our lunch. Click on d pix and follow d link:

Tanx to Fad for treating us. Our tank was competely FULL! Hahaha.. After our lunch was over, we went our separate ways. Liyana had her GEMs lesson; so she have to go to class. Fad will b going to book her revision prac with her guy. While me and khai, went out to our common cHiLLin area.

Met Fadz there too. To Fadz: Tanx for miting me. Sorry for ma uncheerfull mood. Im freaking damn tired today. I dun have enough rest. So sorry for everything.

Aniwe, i guess i have to stop here for now. Have to do ma Digital System assignment. Errgghh!!! Im damn sleepy!!! But, i haven't finish ma assignment yet and d dateline is tomorrow. Just hate it!!!

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE!! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:36 AM |

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"Selamat Hari Raya Aidil'adha!!"

Hmmnn.. Today was a bit of tiring. Especially d waiting for our turn to get our lamb. Erkk.. Actually im not veri sure which is which. What is lamb and mutton huh?? Im always confuse with this two meats. Sorry for ma stupidity! Hehehe.

Aniwez, as usual, bring ma cam along. So, here are some pix that ive taken today. Clik d pix and follow d link:

Everything was over at bout 3pm. Reached at Darul Ma'wa at 11am. We've waited for bout 4 hours for everything to settle. Gosh!! Really have to b patience. With d weather that has been raining almost d whole day; with the people crowded around. But, it was a fun experience. This year, im not that afraid to watch d slaughtering moment. You wanna know why??! Its bcoz ive been concentrating takin d pix. Trying to get every shot which is possible. But, most of ma shots are blurry. Hehehe.. Its good for those who have some phobia seeing all this.

After reaching home, we get ourself ready to send all d meat to our relatives. Just wanna share equally to our realtives. And, as i was getting ready, make an effort to call Him up. Ma intention was to ask for forgiveness and to know how is He going on. He has been keepin silence for a few days. Wonder what happen to Him. So, called Him up. He is just staying at home by d time i called Him. Chat with Him for a while.

Have to put down d phone as have to get maself ready. Then, went out of d house at 5 plus going to 6. Finish sending everything by 8pm. We went around d S'pore. From Serangoon to Whampoa, to Woodlands, to Tampines, to Pasir Ris then last to Punggol. Hahaa.. Met ma aunt and fam there. But, ma cousin was not there. Maybe shez busy working. Miss her.

Feeling so exhausted, we planned to overnight at ma uncle's house. However, along d way, i did lost ma patience. Just can't control ma patience with everything that is going on. Really stress me up. Have no mood to chat with Jup or anyone. Sorry for that. But, ive just lost control with ma patience.

Aniwez, going to school tomorrow from ma uncle's place. Im taking train all d way to Dover. Haiz~~.. Long way. Furthermore ma ferst lesson starts at 8am. Haiz~~.. I end here ferst.

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 11:48 PM |

Just finish helping out ma parents with d preparation for Aidil'adha tomorrow. Hmmnn.. We cooked Nasi Bukhari and ma parents did some cakes. I think its either a sponge cake or chocolate chip cake. Haven't taste it yet. Just can't wait till tomorrow for everything to b ready. By the way, i manage to take some pix while ma parents and bro doing d preparation. Most of d pix have ma parents and bro, but not me. Bcoz no one wanna take ma pix. :(
Hehehee... So, below there's d pix that i've took. Click on d pix below & follow d link aites.

Aniwe, ma 2005 life chapter has ended. Now its a new beginning. 2005 have thought me lotsa stuff, lotsa of things ive learnt. Including sweet memories that if possible i wanna bring it along into ma new chapter whereas there's still worst nightmares that i just wanna dump it and never wanna remember it anymore. Lotsa things has happened in 2005. Taught me lotsa a lesson. Get a clear picture who am i. However, what i can conclude from what ive been through in 2005:

It has been a tough time for me. It is another year of nightmare. Lotsa mistake that ive did. Lotsa secrets that are untold. Lotsa fears grown inside.
Now, im hoping that this year is something anew. Ive left everything behind. Thought of bringing up anew life ahead. Dun wanna meet those people that has been haunting ma dreams. Dun wanna meet those people that has been making ma lyfe in a hell. To them; please go and let me live.
For now, i wished that i can live in peace. Though i know, ma lyfe wouldn't b d same as how it used to. I just wanna achieve what i dream of. Though, to certain people, here's something that i encrypt inside ma heart.

To Dad:
I know that it has been a hard time for you to accept what fate has given to you. All d while, d tests' that was given to you has been harder and tougher. Sometimes, i wonder how you manage to go through it; and still, your faith to HIM is becoming stronger and closer each day. Till this day, i've not met any one like you before. You've been trying so hard to move on with your life, trying so hard to put away all d worriedness and depression that you're facing, trying so hard to change your nature just to save this family, tries to understand every member of this family, always show us ur calmness, every day teach us new things and always b there for this family. You're someone who is very responsible; been giving us food, shelter, utilities and luxury that u've haven't experience during your childhood.
You're ma dad; and you're ma mom. You are veri independent. You're veri understanding. You dun rely on mom on cooking. You'll cook for us when mom is busy. You'll clean up d house when mom is tired.
Im amazed by you. Im impressed by you. Im thankfull to HIM because I get a dad like you. Mom is veri lucky to have you.
But dad, i hope that you could still hold on abit longer. I hope that you can b much more stronger to face what lies in d future ahead. I understand veri well d loneliness that you're going thru. But, day and night, i prayed you'll have a peace of mind, recover quickly from your illness and b happy and depression-free everyday.
Dad, i luv you soo much that no words that i can describe. Only ma tears that accompanies me weneva thinking of you, your spirit, your dreams and your misery. Just can't bear losing you. Once almost losing you. Although it was a few months, but, i can't cope with it. Without your presence, ma lyfe is so empty. Ive lost something precious and valuable. Ma lyfe suddenly darkens and im lost. Im still in need of your guidance.
Dad, if one day you leave me. I'll miss your jokes, your teaching, your concern, your luv,your calm face, your prayers and every single thing that you have. You're almost a perfect dad. I luv u Dad...

To mom:
You're a great listener. You're ma best friend. You're a good advisor. With you around, enlightens our every mood. Though at times you're harsh in your words, but, i know you dun mean it. You're someone who is also veri responsible. You're someone who thinks far ahead in d future. You're d life-saver for our fam.
Mayb in this fam, you dun hold any high qualifications, but, you're someone who holds lotsa dreams. Dreams that you manage to achieve today. You've taught me alot bout life. You've open ma eyes bout what this life is all bout. You're someone who is very firm and well-discipline. I admire those qualities that you have.
But, mom, i hope that you dun forget what you've been lacking behind. Someone really needs your attention. Please stop looking for money! Although i understand that money is d most important asset that we should have in order to live; but, i think for now, that someone's attention is worth alot more than money. Please mom dun leave him alone. I just can't bear to c him alone. He needs you more than us.
Mom, i wished that you'll not forget what we've been through in 2 years back. I know how worried you are when we're bout to lose him. So, now, we were given another chance to b with him, i hope you know how to appreciate what we have right now.
I luv you too mom. No one can ever replace you. Thanks for everything that you've provided to me. But, i wished, you've change before its too late.

To Bro:
You're ma best buddy. You're ma joker. You're ma counsellor. You're ma luv. You're ma happiness. You've always been there when ever im in difficulties. You've always given me a helping hand. You've always enlighten ma day when ever im moody. You're been veri understanding. You've given me d encouragement when i was about to lost in a battle.
We've shared alot. Ive been with you almost 20 years now. Since we're young till now, we've not stop being closer. Mayb we hold veri different qualities, but, we hold to one similarities. And that is d blood that is running in our body. Thank you bro for everything. Thanks for giving me d strength and hope. You're ma only blood bro. I luv u too bro. Wish you all d best in your life. May you achieve what you dream of. And all d best in your relationship with Kak Yaty.

This 3 people are d most important people in ma life. No one can ever replace them. I luv them so much that i can't bear to b separated with them. Sometimes, i do wished that i wanna go first. I can't bear to c them leaving me.
To ma fam:
Thanks for everything. You're made me to who i am today. Without you, im not gonna b as what i am now. I luv you. I wished that we will never b separated. But, that's impossible. It makes me sick when ever i think that what ive had is just for a momentarily period. But, for sure, i wanna b with you again in d lyfe after death. Wanna b happy as how i am with around you people lata. Luv you all....

Yeah. End of emotional. Now, back to reality...
Just message Him. But, He didn't reply. I wished everything settle soon. Prayed so hard that im not making a wrong decision. Prayed so hard to end ma confusion soon.

However, today, im quite moody. Its due to Him partly. And another partly is bcoz, im just feelng guilty. Ive been letting people down. I know there's still someone waiting for me. Ma "bro", Jup, advice me to accept 'Y'. But, i can't. Bcoz i treat 'Y' as ma closest friend and "bro". I appreciate what he did, but, im just so sorry. I can't treat 'Y' more than a friend. 'Y' knows too much bout me and i know that im not up to "Y's" standard. I just can't.

To "Y": Please forgive me. But, im just here to b your friend. Mayb im just not ready to b into relationship. Onot, ma heart is lost to someone. I can't figure that till today. But, one thing for sure, I can owez b ur best friend and siz. Sorry again that im not making any effort to contact you. Ma purpose is just not to give you any hopes. I just had enough of dissapointing and turn down people's propose. Im sorry.

Its already 3am. I think I have to end it here. But, before i go, just wanna wish you people reading ma blog a Happy Holidays. To d muslims; Selamat menyambut Hari Raya Aidil'adha. Maaf zahir dan batin. Sekian. Wasalam.

Oh ya! Before i forgot;
To kHai:
Have fun knowing Jup! Wish you all d best with Jup. May your friendship lasts. Btw, Im happy for you ma dear. Wonder when you'll get attached. Hahaha... So, have fun tomorrow. And dun forget me although you have a new friend to take care of now. Hehehee... Btw, tanx for sharing with bout your dream. Sometimes I just have nutin to say. But, as days goes by,im losing ma grip. Haiz~~.. Nvm. Just c what will happen in d end. Miz u dear!

>< Sometimes i wish i culd fast forward time ><
>< Just to c if in d END Its aLL worTH iT ><

>><< Sometimes i wish NOT to know d TruTH >><<
>><< Bcoz d TruTH usually HurTs >><<

>>><<< Im 0uTTa HeRe >>><<<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 1:26 AM |

Friday, January 06, 2006

Today is ma last paper for MST. Its Internet Programming. I didn't do very well. I manage to just passed for ma MCQ section. Out of 80, i only get 40. However, for overall paper, which is 100, i dun think that i can make it. Bcoz for ma structured question, which carries 20 marks, i think i can't even get 10 marks. Due to ma ans which is only 3 lines for each of d structured qn.
Haiz~.. Nvm. Just wait and see d results lata.

Reached home at 7pm just now. Before heading home, had ma early dinner with ma fwenz at school Mc. And now, just finish having ma dinner with ma family. While having ma dinner, i ask ma dad what did d lawyer said to dad this afternoon. Ma dad gives a bad news. Dad tells me that d NUS wouldn't wanna pay Dad any compensation money for d 22 years of his service. It was all stated in d scheme of Medical Board. Thats d result from our effort. We've lost; Dad lost.

I know dad was having lotsa depression. Dad has been trying his best to ease his mind. But, this matter bothers him alot. Mayb people would say, just accept d fact and forget bout this matter. Its easy to b said than done. I'll try ma best to accompany Dad. Dun want Dad to feel bored or having further depression. Thats why ive been rejecting some of ma friends whom ask me to go out with them. To them: Im sorry. I hope you peeps understand ma situation.

To ease ma dad's depression, thought of asking dad out to go for fishing tomorrow. But, Dad dun wanna go. From what Dad replied, i know that Dad is lonely. Dad told me and ma bro that "itz bored going fishing with 2 people. But, what can b done. Since, everyone is busy." Dad's last sentence touches ma heart. Dad really feels d emptiness. I felt sorry for Dad. Ma bro and mom has to work tomorrow. I pity Dad. With d situation that Dad's is going through, Dad needs someone to accompany Dad.

Just now, Dad also expressed what Dad felt. Dad said that Dad is veri pressurised with what has happened. Every single day, every time wakes up, thinking bout what happened, makes Dad illness more painfull. Dad claims that whenever Dad thinks bout d probs, Dad's chest is in pain. Dad can't sleep when d thought of what Dad's been through appears. Im truly sorry for Dad. I dunno how to help Dad. I wished that if there is anything that is possible, I oni want Dad to b happy, prob-free, and enjoy Dad's early retirement. I dun wanna pressurise or burden Dad with any financial, personal or whatever probs.

"O God! Please help ma fam. Please help especially ma Dad. Dad is unwell with Dad's health condition. Please ease Dad's mind from all d probs. Please make Dad d happiest Man on earth. Dad has sacrifice alot. Dad has done alot for this family to work out. Dad has fulfill Dad's responsibility veri well. To me, Dad is d wonderful Dad and that no one can ever replace. Please God! Give some mercy on Dad. Give Dad d strength to continue Dad's life. I can't bear d thought of losing Dad, although, im aware that one day You'll take Dad away from us. But for now, Please! Give Dad all d happiness that Dad wants. Please give blessings to 0ur fam. Please ma Dear God! Help us!"

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To Dad: Tankiu for all d happiness, support and encouragement and prayers that you did for me. You're ma Dad; and you're ma m0m. No 0nE wiLL EvEr replace your place. I'll 0wez Luv You! Till ma last breath.

Hmnn.. By d way, just now, while on d way to Clementi, i reply to His message. I know its kinda late. But i did all that for a reason. Till now He didn't reply to ma msg. But, HE did called me up just now. Had a short conversation. He ask me why ive been keeping quiet for several days and not even reply to any of His message till this afternoon. To Him: Im veri sorry. Yeah, its true that im veri busy with ma tests this week. Ive not been doin well. Im so strez up with everything. And also, im abit upset with Him. Thats actually the main reason why i dun reply or answer His call. I just need some time to clear ma mind. Ive been in mixed emotions. Ive been having a hard time to adapt with His changes. Ive been having a difficult time to calm down ma heart. Ive been having lotsa negative conclusions bout Him. And, actually, there is one of d days, while im doin ma revision, i can't focus at all. I just dunno why i can't stop ma mind thinking bout Him. Everything that i read from d book, just dun absorb inside ma mind. Tried to clear ma mind, but, failed. Till i enter d exam hall, then ma mind stop thinking bout Him. But, at that moment, its useless, bcoz, ma paper has started and i have difficulties answering d questions.

Tried ma best answering d questions. I know that i did badly for that paper. But, i think, ive tried. Then, on that day itself, on ma way back home, i tell maself to gimme a break. I know that i need to avoid all this thinking. Just ease ma mind. And hence, i make a decision to b silent to Him. Just for Him to know what actually bothers me bout Him this few days; i feel like He is CHANGING. I feel like im drifting apart from Him. I can feel that d past is repeating. Thats what im totally worried of. Sometimes, d thought of Him using me again just can't stop lingering inside ma mind. He will b there to me when He wants to, when He feels bored, when He have no one to talk to. Im always asking what He wants from me?! These thoughts' really makes me feels so sick!

Thats why what i did, is for ma own good and His own good. Without me by His side doesn't change anything. Whether im there or not there, its meaningless. He has lotsa friends including gerls. Im not trying to say that im jealous of His gerl friends. My point is that, im still someone that doesn't give Him anything good.

Only one thing that i wanna plead to Him:
Pleasseee, I BEG YOU, DUN used me to kill your boredness of life. The feeling of knowing someone is using you, is freaking painfull! You have lotsa friends and i know you dun need me. So, if you still insist of using me, i think its better we become as strangers. Just dun wanna burden your life anymore with ma freaking stupid attitude. I hope you'll understand what has been bothering ma heart and mind.

I think i end it here for now.

To Him: Im sorry if ma entry hurts you in any ways. And sorry for letting you worried bout me when i didn't reply to you. Thanks alot for d concern.

To Fadz: Tanx for d concern. And tanx for d friendship. And sorry to listen to ma bullshit.

>><< Im 0uTTa HeRe >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 10:12 PM |

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

For That Special Sum0nE...

During this current moment
I know that you're still asleep
Im here trying ma best to put ma fullest concentration
For ma studies
But i failed
I just can't stop thinking bout you
And now, im writing what is inside ma heart
That ive been always kept to maself

For the past one week
Ive been asking maself
Who you are to me?
What I regard you as?
What will happen to our friendship in the future?

Since I get to know you
Ive learnt alot of things
Thruthfully, because of you
You changed ma lyfe bit by bit
And now, this is the result after alot of changes happened to me.

I dun deny that,
Sometimes, I do regret getting to know you
Sometimes, I cried at night whenever I think of you
Sometimes, I blame maself for being stupid to like you
Sometimes, I wished for stupid stuff just to make me stop thinking about you

You are veri special to me inside ma heart
You are veri special since the day i get to know you
You are veri special till I allow you to broke ma heart
You are that special till I have difficulties to forget you

You've been returning & leaving ma lyfe
That's what I dun understand why till today
That's also what im fear of today
And there's also the question "why" is happening to me
And there's also the question "till when" this will stop
And there's also the question "whom am i to him"

Please dun misunderstood what Ive wrote
Your presence now are veri welcome by me
Your presence now proves that ma dreams comes true
Your presence now enlighten ma each day
Though, at certain times, it brings tears too

Sometimes Im confuse
Sometimes Im jealous
Sometimes Im guilty
Sometimes Im worried
With all the emotions, it turns out to fears

Im afraid that I'll get hurt
Im afraid that I'll heartbroken
Im afraid that I'll repeat the past
Im afraid that I'll repeat the same mistake
Im afraid that I'll make the wrong decision
Which then, leads to regrets in the future

Ive had enough of regrets
Ive had enough of wishing to turn back the clock

For now,
I was given another chance
To change what Im able to change
With this chance, I've to do it carefully
With this chance, I've to do it without regrets in the future

But, people change though
And ended up, I did what I dun want it to b.

Today, we've known each other for bout 2 years already
And, at last, we had the chance to mit up

To you ma dear
Tanx for fulfilling ma prayers
Tanx for making ma dreams comes true
Tanx for mitting me although it was a short one

However, to let you know
Ive noticed that you've changed alot since we've met
I dunno mayb you can't accept me for who i am
I dunno mayb i dun reached to your expectations
Im sorry...
Im just a normal human being whom have lotsa flaws

Thats why i change ma attitude recently
Thats why im avoiding you
Just to let you have your own lyfe
Just to let you free of me lingering in your mind
Just to stop burden you with ma attitude
Just to stop burden you with ma probs
Just wanna let you have your own happy lyfe.

If you wanna leave me this time
Please do so by all means.
Im not trying to shoved you away from ma lyfe
I dun have that intention at all
Im just dun wanna stop you animor

But,
sometimes I think thats the best solution for you
sometimes I think you'll b happy in d end

So,
If you've planned to leave me again
Please leave me and Please dun ever return again
Im sorry to say that
Because I know that I can't forget you
Because I know that I'll not forget you

But,
Before you leave,
Please tell me for the last time that you're leaving
Please dun leave me hanging in d air without anything to hold on to

Im ending it here
Thanks to you for every moment of joy
Thanks to you for every moment of concern
Thanks to you for every moment of sincerity
Thanks for d friendship which lasts till today
Thanks for teaching me lotsa stuff
Thanks for used to always b there for me

You're a great friend
You're a great companion
May you'll succeed in everything that you aim for

Sorry, if you're abit too late,
then i'll have to leave
Mayb its d wrong step that im taking
But, to let people b happy
Im willing to do it although its killing me...

>><< Im 0uTTa HeRe >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 2:34 AM |

Just returned from ma uncle's house. Been staying there for about a week plus. Me, mom and dad has been there to help ma aunt, uncle and granny out. Ma aunt just undergo a minor operation. Although its minor, its still an operation. Hence, shez still weak. She can't carry any heavy stuff. She needs lotsa rest. So, ma fam were there to help her out with all d house work. Ma uncle also take a week off so as to accompany aunt.

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For this end of d year, ive been slacking at ma uncle's house. Besides than that, ive been going out with ma old sec best friends. During ma sec school years, d 3 of us are d best friends. Always together. However, im d one who take a step behind and walk away from them. Both of ma other 2 friends, Jun and Salihah, have chosen to enter NYP. But, as for me, I choose SP. Although we're no longer in d same school, we still keep in contact with each other. D differences is that we're no longer that close as how we used to b. Aniwe, there is some pictures i've taken during our reunion. Hehee.. Just click on d pix below and follow d link:

But before going out with ma old friends, ive went out to study with khai at BK of Changi Airport. Hmmnn.. d place there was quite a good place to study. We sat at d sofa area. I sat there as if i was at ma home. Hahahaa.. So, as usual, here's some pix that we took.
Click d pix below:

Next, me and ma fam, together with uncle, went for fishing. Together along with all ma aunts' on ma Dad's side with fam, joined us for d fishing activity. First we went to Seletar. Then, in d afternoon, we went to Punggol. Hmmnn.. Me, bro and mom manage to caught 1 fish. But, as for Dad, he manage to caught bout 4 fishes. I know its too little. But, its our first attempt. As for ma Mak Tam, she manage to caught 20 fishes together with Pak Tam. Ma makcik and pak cik, together with their son, manage to caught quite alot of fish too. Can't deny that we can't beat them. They know better than us. But, Dad and Dad's siblings used to b a fisherman during their younger days. So, here are some pictures that are taken during d outing. Click on d pix below:

Hmmnn.. Other than that, at last, ma prayers comes true. Yesterday ive met with Him. First and foremost, i would like to thank Him for making ma prayers' comes true. Tanx alot for mitting me. And im sorry that our mitting was just a short one. It was at night and i can't go out at night. I have curfew. I hope He understand. And, sorry again that if i look awful. Because, at that time i just finish bathing. He told me last minute that he wanna mit me at ma uncle's place. I just agree to it. Bcoz, as what I believe, when ever i there is d chance, i'll grab it. I dun wanna end up losing again and continuing regreting. As for sure, im not prepared.

So, He was d same as what i see in d pix. Can see His awkwardness. I know He is abit of shy. But, tried ma best to b normal. Oni HE knows how do i feel at that moment. Actually, till today, i still feel that what ever happens yesterday, i mean d one that ive met him, was all a dream. I just can't believe that it comes true. Ive been asking maself, have i fallen asleep and dreaming of what has happened. But, what ever happens was true. Once again, i wanna thank to Him for making ma dream comes true.

Now, i'll leave everything to fate. Dunno whether He can accept d true me. Everything its all up to Him. Sometimes, we wouldn't know what's d requirements to b some people's friends. For as long as i know, i can accept Him as ma friend after mitting Him.

Oh ya! Before i forgot, while i was all along at ma uncle's house, get to know this one guy. Fadzli was Yazid's friend. Fadz just wanna b a friend to me. Yeah. And i accepted that friendship. To Fadz, tanx for being ma friend.

Aniwe, lotsa stuff needs to b clean up. Bring back home lotsa stuff. D car was like fully-loaded. There is like no more space to put some other stuff. Hence, we have to left it behind at uncle's place. Before we went back home, i shake hand with ma granny. Even before that, while i was packing up ma stuff, ma tears suddenly roll down ma cheeks. Hearing ma granny calling ma name, asking me am i going back home with ma parents too, asking am i gonna come again, put me in a guilty position. I feel like as if im leaving granny alone. Granny keeps on asking me, bro, mom and dad to come and visit her again. If possible to stay over like we did. Granny cried when Dad shake granny's hand. We all know that, that's d only way granny wanna expressed granny's thankfullness to us. When d part granny ask for forgiveness from me, i just can't control ma tears. To avoid granny seing ma tears, i quickly shake granny's hand, and get out from granny's room.

Till on d way back home, inside d car, just keeping maself quiet. Controlling ma tears. I dunno why am i so emotional these few days. Just dunno why ma tears are so cheap. Mayb its due to d strez that im going thru. Or izzit, that's ma nature. What i know, i just can't bear seeing someone that i truly love alone, on their own. If possible, i would offer maself to replace their place and leave me left alone.

I guess im stopping here for now. I need to continue with ma revision. Need to cool mself down. Later have 2 papers. And nothing has enter ma mind. Been stressfull and tired. Sometimes feels like giving up. Haiz~~... Nytez to everyone reading this.

><< Im 0uTTa HeRe >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 12:28 AM |