L o n e l y I n T h e D a r k

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Just finish helping out ma parents with d preparation for Aidil'adha tomorrow. Hmmnn.. We cooked Nasi Bukhari and ma parents did some cakes. I think its either a sponge cake or chocolate chip cake. Haven't taste it yet. Just can't wait till tomorrow for everything to b ready. By the way, i manage to take some pix while ma parents and bro doing d preparation. Most of d pix have ma parents and bro, but not me. Bcoz no one wanna take ma pix. :(
Hehehee... So, below there's d pix that i've took. Click on d pix below & follow d link aites.

Aniwe, ma 2005 life chapter has ended. Now its a new beginning. 2005 have thought me lotsa stuff, lotsa of things ive learnt. Including sweet memories that if possible i wanna bring it along into ma new chapter whereas there's still worst nightmares that i just wanna dump it and never wanna remember it anymore. Lotsa things has happened in 2005. Taught me lotsa a lesson. Get a clear picture who am i. However, what i can conclude from what ive been through in 2005:

It has been a tough time for me. It is another year of nightmare. Lotsa mistake that ive did. Lotsa secrets that are untold. Lotsa fears grown inside.
Now, im hoping that this year is something anew. Ive left everything behind. Thought of bringing up anew life ahead. Dun wanna meet those people that has been haunting ma dreams. Dun wanna meet those people that has been making ma lyfe in a hell. To them; please go and let me live.
For now, i wished that i can live in peace. Though i know, ma lyfe wouldn't b d same as how it used to. I just wanna achieve what i dream of. Though, to certain people, here's something that i encrypt inside ma heart.

To Dad:
I know that it has been a hard time for you to accept what fate has given to you. All d while, d tests' that was given to you has been harder and tougher. Sometimes, i wonder how you manage to go through it; and still, your faith to HIM is becoming stronger and closer each day. Till this day, i've not met any one like you before. You've been trying so hard to move on with your life, trying so hard to put away all d worriedness and depression that you're facing, trying so hard to change your nature just to save this family, tries to understand every member of this family, always show us ur calmness, every day teach us new things and always b there for this family. You're someone who is very responsible; been giving us food, shelter, utilities and luxury that u've haven't experience during your childhood.
You're ma dad; and you're ma mom. You are veri independent. You're veri understanding. You dun rely on mom on cooking. You'll cook for us when mom is busy. You'll clean up d house when mom is tired.
Im amazed by you. Im impressed by you. Im thankfull to HIM because I get a dad like you. Mom is veri lucky to have you.
But dad, i hope that you could still hold on abit longer. I hope that you can b much more stronger to face what lies in d future ahead. I understand veri well d loneliness that you're going thru. But, day and night, i prayed you'll have a peace of mind, recover quickly from your illness and b happy and depression-free everyday.
Dad, i luv you soo much that no words that i can describe. Only ma tears that accompanies me weneva thinking of you, your spirit, your dreams and your misery. Just can't bear losing you. Once almost losing you. Although it was a few months, but, i can't cope with it. Without your presence, ma lyfe is so empty. Ive lost something precious and valuable. Ma lyfe suddenly darkens and im lost. Im still in need of your guidance.
Dad, if one day you leave me. I'll miss your jokes, your teaching, your concern, your luv,your calm face, your prayers and every single thing that you have. You're almost a perfect dad. I luv u Dad...

To mom:
You're a great listener. You're ma best friend. You're a good advisor. With you around, enlightens our every mood. Though at times you're harsh in your words, but, i know you dun mean it. You're someone who is also veri responsible. You're someone who thinks far ahead in d future. You're d life-saver for our fam.
Mayb in this fam, you dun hold any high qualifications, but, you're someone who holds lotsa dreams. Dreams that you manage to achieve today. You've taught me alot bout life. You've open ma eyes bout what this life is all bout. You're someone who is very firm and well-discipline. I admire those qualities that you have.
But, mom, i hope that you dun forget what you've been lacking behind. Someone really needs your attention. Please stop looking for money! Although i understand that money is d most important asset that we should have in order to live; but, i think for now, that someone's attention is worth alot more than money. Please mom dun leave him alone. I just can't bear to c him alone. He needs you more than us.
Mom, i wished that you'll not forget what we've been through in 2 years back. I know how worried you are when we're bout to lose him. So, now, we were given another chance to b with him, i hope you know how to appreciate what we have right now.
I luv you too mom. No one can ever replace you. Thanks for everything that you've provided to me. But, i wished, you've change before its too late.

To Bro:
You're ma best buddy. You're ma joker. You're ma counsellor. You're ma luv. You're ma happiness. You've always been there when ever im in difficulties. You've always given me a helping hand. You've always enlighten ma day when ever im moody. You're been veri understanding. You've given me d encouragement when i was about to lost in a battle.
We've shared alot. Ive been with you almost 20 years now. Since we're young till now, we've not stop being closer. Mayb we hold veri different qualities, but, we hold to one similarities. And that is d blood that is running in our body. Thank you bro for everything. Thanks for giving me d strength and hope. You're ma only blood bro. I luv u too bro. Wish you all d best in your life. May you achieve what you dream of. And all d best in your relationship with Kak Yaty.

This 3 people are d most important people in ma life. No one can ever replace them. I luv them so much that i can't bear to b separated with them. Sometimes, i do wished that i wanna go first. I can't bear to c them leaving me.
To ma fam:
Thanks for everything. You're made me to who i am today. Without you, im not gonna b as what i am now. I luv you. I wished that we will never b separated. But, that's impossible. It makes me sick when ever i think that what ive had is just for a momentarily period. But, for sure, i wanna b with you again in d lyfe after death. Wanna b happy as how i am with around you people lata. Luv you all....

Yeah. End of emotional. Now, back to reality...
Just message Him. But, He didn't reply. I wished everything settle soon. Prayed so hard that im not making a wrong decision. Prayed so hard to end ma confusion soon.

However, today, im quite moody. Its due to Him partly. And another partly is bcoz, im just feelng guilty. Ive been letting people down. I know there's still someone waiting for me. Ma "bro", Jup, advice me to accept 'Y'. But, i can't. Bcoz i treat 'Y' as ma closest friend and "bro". I appreciate what he did, but, im just so sorry. I can't treat 'Y' more than a friend. 'Y' knows too much bout me and i know that im not up to "Y's" standard. I just can't.

To "Y": Please forgive me. But, im just here to b your friend. Mayb im just not ready to b into relationship. Onot, ma heart is lost to someone. I can't figure that till today. But, one thing for sure, I can owez b ur best friend and siz. Sorry again that im not making any effort to contact you. Ma purpose is just not to give you any hopes. I just had enough of dissapointing and turn down people's propose. Im sorry.

Its already 3am. I think I have to end it here. But, before i go, just wanna wish you people reading ma blog a Happy Holidays. To d muslims; Selamat menyambut Hari Raya Aidil'adha. Maaf zahir dan batin. Sekian. Wasalam.

Oh ya! Before i forgot;
To kHai:
Have fun knowing Jup! Wish you all d best with Jup. May your friendship lasts. Btw, Im happy for you ma dear. Wonder when you'll get attached. Hahaha... So, have fun tomorrow. And dun forget me although you have a new friend to take care of now. Hehehee... Btw, tanx for sharing with bout your dream. Sometimes I just have nutin to say. But, as days goes by,im losing ma grip. Haiz~~.. Nvm. Just c what will happen in d end. Miz u dear!

>< Sometimes i wish i culd fast forward time ><
>< Just to c if in d END Its aLL worTH iT ><

>><< Sometimes i wish NOT to know d TruTH >><<
>><< Bcoz d TruTH usually HurTs >><<

>>><<< Im 0uTTa HeRe >>><<<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 1:26 AM |