L o n e l y I n T h e D a r k

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Reaching home at 6 plus. While at d corridor, saw Dad clean up his garden. Pity him so much. Although he is sick, he still care bout his plants. He caught with fever yesterday. So, at night, he felt so weak that he wanna go to c doc. I accompany him yesterday. Bought some stuff. When reached home, kinda shocked that Mom reached home that early. Thought she'll b reaching home at 11.

Now, just finish having ma dinner. Actually im very upset wif Mom. Ive been borrowing her Ez-link for a week plus. This is bcoz ma Ez-link has no value. I didn't top-up ma Ez-link since end of last sem. Meanwhile, i use Mom's Ez-link for ma trip when im taking train to school. I seldom take train. Usually i take bus. Only when im from Uncle's house or when im having any exam going on, so as not to b late, then i'll b using Mom's Ez-link. But, as for yesterday, i use her Ez-link to buy ma lunch at Mc Donalds. I didn't bring any pocket money to school. So im using what i have at that moment. I just spent bout $6.00 for ma meal. Now, her Ez-link left with bout $20.

What im realli upset with her is that she seems like she dun understand what ive been trying to do. She ask bout ma Ez-link. What happen to ma Ez-link. I'd explain everything to her. She seems like she wanna ask why i didn't top-up ma Ez-link. D reason why i didn't top-up is bcoz, i rarely take train. And next reason is that, i just dun have d gut to ask Dad for money to top-up ma Ez-link. I know Mom expects me to ask Dad for d money. But, Mom, please!! Dad is no longer working. Although i know that its Dad's responsibilities to provide me everything that i need; but, now that Dad is no longer working. I can't possibly b like last time; if i need anything i go to Dad and ask from him. I just can't do that anymore. Since d veri day Dad told me that he was being terminated, he still give me pocket money. That touches ma heart. He gives me d same amount as how he used to.

Thats why when yesterday he forget to give me pocket money, i just keep quiet. Im unable to ask from him money. Bcoz i know that now he is no longer working. Everyday, money in his bank is getting out. But not going in. How can i possibly ask him money when i know what is his probs. Sometimes i wonder, why Mom dun understand what im trying to do.

Just now Dad ask me why im using Mom's Ez-link. He ask me why i didn't top-up ma Ez-link. What should i say? Bcoz i dun wanna ask for your money anymore.; Bcoz i dun wanna burden you anymore. I can't say what actually inside ma heart. Im not gud in expressing what i felt. I prefer to just keep it to maself. I know Dad has been in tough time. Ive tried ma best to keep Dad happy. I dun wanna put Dad in any worries bout money or anything else. Why can't Mom just understand what's ma intention all this while.

For Mom: You've changed alot Mom. I missed d OLD you. Now, you've been very busy with work. Sometimes i feel like you've neglected me. Not only me, but, d whole fam. Mom, i've tried ma best to b d perfect daughter. Ive tried ma best to understand what you want from me. But, i just can't c if anything that i did that makes you proud or happy. Why Mom?.. Mom, i dun wanna repeat d past. Im trying to b d best daughter. Im trying to make you proud of me. Im trying to make you happy. Mom, i dunno what is in your mind right now. I dunno what you're going after. I know you're panic when hearing that Dad was terminated. All of us is panic. All of us is dissapointed. But, Dad is much more dissapointed. Please understand Dad. Please Mom.

If i was given d permission to work, i'll work. But, Dad dun allow me. I know that you're worried bout our life ahead without money. But Mom, its not that we didn't tried. We tried so hard; we tried everything that we could. And now we leave everything to HIM.

Mom, sometimes i wonder, am i putting another burden to you. Is that what bothers you. Is that what you're so frustrated about. Im sorry Mom if that so. Sometimes im in difficult situation. Ma heart wanna do something to help out this fam, but, bcoz of not to upset some people, i have to forget ma intention. What should i do Mom?.. All i ask from you now is that, please dun burden Dad with any probs. If you're not happy with me, just say it directly to me. I just dun want Dad to b worried any further. He sacrifice alot for us mom, if you dun realise.

Mom, what ever you did to me, just wanna let you know that you're ma best Mom still. No one can ever replace your place. I know that im not d perfect daughter as what you wished for. I'll try ma best improving maself to b what you want. Im just a young teenage; young adult who is in need of HER own life. HER own life is actually with HER fam. She just wanna c that what ever she did, HER fam to b happy. That's all that SHE ask. You didn't know how much SHE luv HER fam. No one will ever know how SHE felt for HER fam. Only d Almighty knows...

Mom, our life will never b d same again Mom. But, i hope you'll not b too busy finding money till you forget bout us. We need you alot more than other things. You're d best Mom, that this fam needs. That till today, our fam is still strong with you around. I wish that d OLD you will return. Mayb ive been keeping quiet, ive not having much conversation with you. But Mom, i still do luv you. What ever im doing, ive been watching closely everything that is happening in this fam. Only that, sometimes, i feel like i dun have d right to point out what's each of our mistakes. Bcoz, im too young in this fam. But, ive prayed day and night, that HIM will let you realise what's our mistakes. Mom, i really miss you alot... I miss those OLD times...

>><< Im 0uTTa HerE!! >><<

NurulAin Musa | In The Darkness | 9:38 PM |